I confuse myself & completely acknowledge that I think too much. Independence is a virtue & a curse. Emotions are a blessing & a breaker. Sometimes you feel too much, and other times you need to feel some form of pain just to make sure you can still feel anything at all. Its not a healthy cycle.
How do you let yourself become used to being loved when thats not something you've ever truly had?
How do you divide the line between sex & love? How do you keep yourself from becoming consumed in sex, and letting your relationship waste away on nothing more than sweat and physical pleasure?
I think I've done a complete 180 this time. I can't sit there & explain it to, & I get so frustrated at the lack of understanding at the message I try to portray. I've got too many questions and too many emotions. I've got too many thoughts that take me over at one time, & I've really got to quit that.
Relationships sucked. I think back to my past & can't really remember any relationship that ever ended well for me. I can't think of any time that I've felt totally fufilled & had the feeling returned. Everytime I thought things were okay, I got torn down over & over.
No one will ever be able to see inside my head. They'll never be able to see the things I do when I shut my eyes & think back.
I'm so sick of remembering how it felt to have a fist slammed in my face, or to be thrown down a flight of stairs by my throat. I want to forget how it felt to watch my life flash in front of my eyes like a movie screen, because I thought I was going to die. I'll never lose the feeling of being completely de-humanized while my clothes were being torn off, no matter how much I begged and prayed. I hate remembering how it felt like getting punched in the stomach with every phone call that "he was with her", or every midnight phone call that held more apologies and empty "i love you's", it got all extrememly overrated. My life was nothing but a web of violence, lies, & drugs.
The physical left scars, the emotional left permanent bruises, & the drugs felt like it was the only thing that could take it away. I was always so stupid to believe that I needed something to depend on, something to make me feel alive. I was too naive & weak to be able to do it myself. I was so young & so stupid. I got so sick of throwing myself into things that never mattered, because it took way too much to realize that no one & nothing could ever have any love for me unless I could do it for myself. It was a nauseating truth that I really couldn't seem to accept.
Life happens, you grow up & you learn to accept. You become okay with yourself & you walk away from everything that wasn't real.
Leaving ohio last time was the hardest its ever been. I knew this was the last time I'd leave, because after that, I'd never go back - I'd never have a real reason to. Letting go of all of that was probably the smartest move i've ever made, I got to walk away from my problems & have real closure. Pain isn't weakness, sometimes its being able to accept the situation for what it is, & be able to gather yourself & continue to walk away. That place did nothing but bring me down, & I couldn't ever completely shake it until I was ready. After I left, I was so much better... I got over pretty much all my issues. I cut all the negativity out of my life, I cleaned up - I got it together. For the first time ever in my life, I was finally getting it together.
Kyle & I were destined to fail from the word go. Yeah, I cared. But I think I cared more about not having someone to talk to, than his actual presence in my life. It was pretty clear that he wasn't actually there anyways. It was a sexual conquest for both of us. We held on to get a taste of some sick pleasure whenever we felt convenient. There was no substance, there was very little real emotion. 99% of the time, I never even saw him.
Going back & fourth for so many years, I thought we were actually in love & thats why we couldn't let go. Reality is, we were obsessed. I dont think either of us ever truly wanted the other one, not the last few years anyways. I guess maybe in the beginning we did - but I was 14, any 14 year old would jump on having an 18 year old boyfriend. ew. But as the years progressed, it became super overrated and we just lost it all, why we still held on - i dont know. We didnt want the other one in our life, but we didnt want them to be with anyone else either. It was a game, and no one was winning. Finally, at 20 years old - I let go. Thank god.
Going to Virginia Beach was not what I expected. What happened isn't what I had intentions to be involved in. The first night was enough to bring back nightmares, and I dealt with it a lot better than I would have even given myself credit for. I laid in bed that night, thinking everything through & smiling at the fact that I really had let myself move on from the past I used to have a death grip on. I had fear left, but overall - I'd let it go. I was okay. I was proud of myself.
When I met Xavier, I didnt think much of it. I was interested but I was never serious... after being through with Kyle, I was perfectly okay being single & I had ever intention on staying that way. Xavier, I guess, had different plans. Things were great for awhile... then he left again & Nick popped back in my life & I should have known right then that I wasnt as devoted to Xavier as our relationship required me to be. Everything changed though - he became someone I didnt know and our relationship went down the drain faster than it began. A whirwind of bullshit & things that can't be taken back. Getting on that plane, I had more than cold feet or a few doubts, deep down I knew it was wrong. Deep down I knew where I'd rather be. I'll never know why I suppressed those feelings & went on with what I knew was wrong. It came back around to bite me. As soon as I got here, things got so much worse.
I feel trapped, suffocated and lost. Being completely detached from those in my life & the world that makes me happy is starting to break me down... i feel like I'm losing my own head. I dont know how much more I can take but it really makes you realize that you can still walk around & be completely dead because I think i'm losing everything I have inside... and my will to fight is breaking down. I dont know what to do anymore.
